


A Thousand Cuts

by JensenPadalecki



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, POV Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-07
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-03-16 17:29:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3496760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JensenPadalecki/pseuds/JensenPadalecki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A shocking, heartbreaking story of taboo romance that’s as compelling as it is controversial. Seventeen-year-old Dean and sixteen-year-old Sam have always felt more like friends than siblings.<br/>The stress of their lives—and the way they understand each other so completely—has also brought them closer than two siblings would ordinarily be. So close, in fact, that they have fallen in love. Their clandestine romance quickly blooms into deep, desperate love. They know their relationship is wrong and cannot possibly continue. And yet, they cannot stop what feels so incredibly right. As the novel careens toward an explosive and shocking finale, only one thing is certain: A love this devastating has no happy ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is an entire work of fiction and inspired by Tabitha Suzuma's Forbidden.

**_"Falling for someone you know you shouldn't_ **

**_Trying to give up but you just couldn't_ **

**_Falling deeper each passing day_ **

**_Hiding it in every possible way"_ **

 

 

 

 

 

**_Dean_ **

 I turn my eyes away from the carcass of a fly stuck limply on the window and try to focus on the mass quadratic equations on the board. A thin film of sweat coats my skin. The sun has been pouring through the industrial-sized window all afternoon and I’m sitting, like a moron in full glare, half blinded by the powerful rays. My shirt cuffs hang loose around my wrists, stained with ink and stain. The empty page stares at me, painfully white, as I work out equations I don't know shit about, in weary, hardly readable handwriting. I have been sitting like this for an hour, but I know that trying to find a more comfortable position is useless. There is weight on my chest that makes it difficult to breathe. The weight descended on Tuesday, the moment I entered the school gates, back to face another school year. The week has not yet ended and I already feel like I’ve been here forever. Nothing has changed. The people are still the same; vacant faces, forced smiles. My eyes slide theirs as I enter the classrooms and they gaze past me, through me. I am here but I am not here. The teachers tick me off in the record but no one sees me, I have perfected being The Invisible Woman. 

  There is a new teacher, Miss Drew. Some chick from Alaska; huge curly hair held back by multi-colored scarf, tanned skin and gold studs in her ears. But the new teacher hasn’t had the benefit of time. In fact she doesn’t look much older than some of the kids in my class. A bunch of jerks blowup into cacophony of wolf whistles until she stares them down so that they start to look uncomfortable and glance away. She gazes around the chaotic group and beams.

“Now, I’ll expect you to have the classroom set up before I arrive in future, and don’t forget that all the desks need to be returned to their places at the end of the lesson. Do I make myself clear?” her voice is firm but there appears to be no malice. She then announces that we are going to take turns introducing ourselves, she turns to the girl to her right. Surreptitiously I slide my wrist and train my eyes on the seconds flashing past. All day I have been waiting for the final period – now here it is and I can hardly bear it. I am calculating the number of seconds before the last bell. I realize that Carlton, the dickhead to my right, is babbling about geology again – almost everyone in the room have had their turn. When Carlton, finally shuts up about icebergs, there is a sudden silence. I look up to find Miss Drew staring at me.

“I’ll pass.” I bite my lips and don’t look up. But to my horror, bitch doesn’t seem to take the hint. Has she not read my file?

“Very few activities in my lessons are optional, I’m afraid." I can hear giggles from Rory’s group. “He doesn’t speak English. No one informed you about it?” Rory says. I have a strong urge to get up and slit his throat but that's for another life. 

“Or any other language!” Laughter. 

 “Crybabies can’t speak.” Jed imitates by sucking his thumb like a child. I taste blood in my mouth and realize that I bit my lips too hard. 

Miss Drew silences them. “Okay, why don’t you start off by telling me your name?” 

“Dean Winchester” I swiftly say my name and glance at the next boy. The pain in my chest fades to a dull ache and my scorching cheeks cool down. When the last bell finally rings, the class dissolves into a mayhem. I slam my textbook, stuff it in my bag, get up and stride towards the exit. The corridor is full of excited teenagers, I am bumped and pushed by shoulders, elbows, bags ,feet…when I feel a hand on my arm.

“Winchester. A word please.”

McCabe, my former tutor.

“Dean, as I am sure you are aware, this is a particularly important year for you.”

 That lecture again. I give a slight nod forcing myself to look in his direction.

“It’s a new academic year!” he says excitingly. “New beginnings… a fresh start. Your grades are okay, just work harder but If you want to get into a college you know it’s essential for you to start taking more active role in class…”

“Do you understand what I am trying to say here?”

I clear my throat. “Yeah.”

"I know that you failed your maths and chemistry test, if this continues I'm afraid you'd even get into a community college. "

My head starts hurting again. How much long is this going on for?

“Okay, so Dean just think about it and if you need any kind of help you know we can arrange that.”

 

***

 

At last. As I head towards the lane, I see a familiar figure standing out on our front yard. Adam kicks the football which comes swishing towards me. I don’t kick it back.“Why aren’t you inside the house? You look like a dirtbag.” I mock Adam. “Yeah whatever dude.” 

Adam runs up to the kitchen, I slam into the relative cool of the house and sag back against the front door to catch my breath, brushing the damp hair off my forehead. “Where’s dad?” I ask.

“Getting ready.”

I try taking narrow steps to ignore dad's attention. But as I pass he spots my reflection in the mirror as he tries to tie his tie.

“Dean!” he orders. I walk half way into his room waiting for his permission to let me in. “Now come inside boy.” I walk in, my head still aching.

“So, I'll be out. You and Sam make sure Adam sleeps on time.” He says. I nod and leave his room. 

I close my bedroom door behind me and lean against it for a few moments. it is one of the few places where I can be completely alone; no classmates, no teachers, no shouting. There was a time before John, our father started to go out on a date and Adam would uncontrollably cry. But now the house is relentlessly silent as Adam has grown up and doesn't call out for dad anymore. Dad is dating Mila for like a month now and he already seems to act like a lover boy. It doesn't bother me but, in fact Mila is actually tolerable however much she hates us. 

I drop my bag on the floor, kick off my shoes and sit back against the wall. The flaking walls are filled with Metallica and AC/DC posters, save for a small snapshot of all five of us, taken on our holiday to Manhattan when Adam was just a year old, before mom died in a car accident. Mom is holding Adam, leaning towards dad, while Sam and I are standing between and in front of them. I rarely look at the photo despite having saved it from Dad’s bonfire. But I like the feel of it being close by, a reminder that those happy moments weren’t simply a figment of my imagination.

 


	2. Chapter 2

_**Sam** _

My keys jam in the lock again. I kick the door open in my usual manner frustratingly. I see Adam eating Cheerios and throwing the oddly shaped ones on the floor. 

“I’m not cleaning that. I hope you get yourself the way to the vacuum cleaner.”

“It’s target practice and it’s not like dad would care – he’s out with that Amazon chick again tonight. And by the time he makes it home he’ll be too wasted to notice.”

I open my mouth to object Adam’s choice of words but I decide to let it pass and flop on the couch. My thirteen-year-old brother has changed a lot in recent months. A summer growth spurt has accentuated his already skinny frame, his dark blond hair has been cut short and his blue eyes have hardened. Something has shifted in his manner too. The child is still there buried under unfamiliar toughness.

“Is Dean making dinner tonight?”

“Obviously. ”

“Let’s see what Dean has cooked.” I stand up.

“Fucking pasta – what else does he ever make?” Adam tosses the open wrapper of Cheerios onto the armchair, spilling half its contents across the cushions.

“You better start taking some cooking classes then, so you could cook for us, does that sound good?” 

Adam shots me an arrogant look and stalks ahead of me into the kitchen. Dean, I see him holding a pan in his hand, turns around wipes his hands against the side of his faded jeans. “Okay, so dinner’s ready.” He dishes up three plates, one with pasta and sauce, one with pasta and with sauce and cheese and other one with pasta and broccoli only. I catch him before we can start, “You alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He says with a heavy sigh. Liar. I can catch him easily when he lies to me. He may seem to be tough, difficult to break in but I can see right through it. But I plump to shut my mouth and enjoy my broccoli and mac. 

Adam’s place is still empty as he works his way around the kitchen slamming and opening cupboards. “Let me save you some time – the only food we’ve got here is on the table,”Dean says, picking up his fork. “and I haven’t put any rat poison in it so you’ll survive. Get back here and eat the damn food.”

“Great, how he’s forgotten to leave us any safe money again? Well, of course, it’s alright for him taking that fatso to a fucking fancy diner.”

“Her name is Mila.” Dean points out from behind a forkful of food. 

“And calling her that will not make you cool in any way.” I add, swallowing my mouthful I manage to catch Dean's eyes. Adam slams the last cupboard with such force that it makes us jump. “What makes you think I’m trying to sound cool? I’m not the one stuck in apron making sucky dinner while his father is busy getting blowjobs.”

“Adam don’t you dare…” Dean is out of his chair in a flash. I lunge for him and miss. He launches himself at Adam and grabs him by the collar, slamming him against the fridge. “You speak like that again and I swear to god I’ll…” I shout at them and grab Dean back but he doesn’t let go of the collar. “You’ll what?” Adam wants to fight, he's asking for it tonight. 

Dean has never threatened him physically before, but in recent months their relationship has worsened. Adam afraid still, manages for a mocking expression.

Suddenly, Dean seems to realize what he is doing. He pushes me back and lets go of Adam, stunned by his own outburst. Adam straightens up, “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Gutless. Just like at school.”

 

* * *

 

 Night is falling, the street lamps are coming on one after another casting a funereal light on the exercise book in front of me. I finish off my homework and revision for the test next week. On an impulse, I stand up and walk out on the landing. Adam was prone to throw tantrums whenever dad went out in the evening- the counselor said that he blames himself for mom's death and is threatened by someone trying to take her place. I suspected it is far simpler; Adam doesn't like Dean telling him what to do. Now that he has earned so-called respect at school by joining a gang who sneak out of the school gates to smoke weed at the park during lunch time, he resents the fact that he's just an archetypal middle child. When dad's out, which is increasingly often - Dean is the one in charge; the way it's always been. Dean the one he dumps on whenever he has to work overtime or fancies a night out with Mila or his 'drinking buddies'. 

I walk up to Dean’s room and knock on the door. There is no answer to my door but when I wander downstairs I find him asleep on the couch in the front room. A thick textbook rests against his chest, spidery calculations litter the carpet . It feels strange to find Dean studying, he hardly ever writes an essay even. Uncurling his fingers from the book, I gather his things into a pile on the coffee table and lay the blanket over him. I sit on the armchair and stare at him, my big brother. Asleep, Dean looks like a boy again – ink stained fingers, creased black T – shirt. People say there is strong family resemblance – I don’t see it. For starters, I have brown shaggy hair while Adam and he are dirty blonde. He always teases me calling me Justin Bieber to which I pretend to get mad. I laugh to myself, and see Dean shifting. He has green eyes, which is awfully rare. They're the most incredible eyes I've ever seen, but I never tell him that for him to get another way of mocking me. 

But recently things have changed. Despite the fact that he is painfully shy, I see a lot of girls at school getting attracted to him. At home, when things are cool enough he displays entirely different side; a five-year old grin, a sarcastic sense of humor, talking about his love for heavy metal and rock music. But even in those brief moments, I feel he hides a darker, unhappier part of himself.

A car backfires across the street, bringing me back to reality. Dean lets out a small cry and struggles up. “You fell asleep.” I inform him with a smirk. “ I think Dean Winchester sleeps only while studying.”

“Crap. What time is it?” he seems panicked, pushing the blanket aside and swinging his feet on the floor running his fingers through his hair. “Just gone nine.”

“What about- ?”

“Adam is asleep, although I heard him listening to Foo Fighters .”

He relaxes, rubbing his eyes and blinking sleepily down at the floor.

“Dude, you look whacked. Just forget about homework for today and get sleep. And since when did you become interested in trigonometry?"

“No, I’m fine.” He says. “I’ve got a lot to revise for the test tomorrow and according to Mr. Baldy Head if I want to get into a college I have to start studying.” He reaches to switch on the lamp. 

“You could’ve told me about the test, I’d have done dinner!”

“You did everything else, cleaning the house, running errands.” There is an awkward pause. “It’s fine, seriously Sam I’m okay.”

“Tell you what, Adam can have his dinner in his room, so we can peacefully eat, huh?” 

A hint of smile touches his lips but then he turns away to stare out of the blank window and silence descends.

“Goodnight then, don’t work too late Einstein.”

“Night, Sam and please don't start studying now, this isn't a competition. You're still the nerd one." He smiles suddenly, that five-year old grin which I missed. But when I pause in the doorway looking back at him, he is flicking through his textbook.

You think no one understands. I want to tell him, but you’re wrong, I do, you’re not alone.


	3. Chapter 3

 

_**Dean** _

School. I can’t even start how much I hate school. When I arrived here, there was plenty of teasing and pushing around, but they eventually got bored. Even they didn’t spare Sam, just because he’s more into books than girls. There’s always a new kid shoved up on my face trying to make me speak up. And I’ve tried, I really have. But when you can only come up with one-word answers what more can you do? The girls, they’re the worst, especially these days. They try harder, are more dogged, not that I didn’t ever enjoy it. I’ve hooked up with chicks before but now their mere presence makes me want to die. Today is a good day but, I’ve mercifully been left alone, in fact the whole school seems shockingly quiet. I spot a huge crowd gathered around in the lunch hall. By their faces I can clearly take that some poor kid is being picked on. I try to find Sam but I can see him nowhere, suddenly I have that ache in my head again. I start dripping, the lunch hall is gigantic but I’m feeling claustrophobic . I toss my bag off and run towards the crowd pushing people aside to get in the middle.

“What’s this? Your diary, let me just read it out loud.” I see Jed and Rory standing above Sam who is on the ground collecting papers, teary eyes, so helpless and vulnerable. I launch myself against someone. I can see nothing anymore; I can’t hear anything, the next thing I know Jed is against the wall and I’m clutching his neck so tight that his eyes have turned bloodshot. I can hear loud noise, people screaming, someone is pulling me from behind. “Stop it Dean, you’re gonna kill him!” I hear Sam’s voice. Suddenly, I realize where I am and I what I am about to do. Kill Jed. I let go of him and he collapses. Rory and other guys get him up and they run off. I see everyone staring at me with mixed outlooks. I grab my bag and leave the hall. I’m not even sure where I’m going. I suddenly feel stupidly close to tears. 

“Slow down, Dean, please…”

“Sam, are you okay?” I ask him, he isn’t but he’s better and safe now that’s all I need.

“Yes, Dean wait…” He pulls my shoulder back to face him.

“Sam, I just need some time alone okay get back to your class or just go home.”

“Dad took his day off and he’s gonna pick Adam today.” Sam says or so what I heard but I cannot think straight right now I just need to get away from this place.

“We have the whole evening free and it won't harm my grades if I miss calculus today, so why don’t we catch a film or something?” Sam says smiling at me. He can read my mind so easily that I sometimes mock him if it’s one of his nerd things.

“A movie with you? At this time? I’m not gonna watch The Notebook.”

“Hilarious. Then you decide.” 

“Let’s just go by the river and grab ourselves some pie and pizza.” I suggest.

**_Sam_ **

The sun is just beginning to turn orange, sprinkling drops of gold across the water’s scaly surface, muscles like the back of a serpent. Gravel crunches underfoot as we cross the large, empty expanses between the glass office buildings, past the luxury apartments that stack their way high into the sky. Despite his loping presence at my side, I feel there is a space between us, an indefinable one. Even when Dean's eyes are on me, I sense that he doesn’t quite see me. When we were young, I could do some silly thing and break the spell, pull him out of it, but now it’s harder. I know there are things he doesn’t tell me. When we reach the shops, we buy pizza, coke and pie which Dean dearly loves more than anything else, and head towards the park. Inside the gates, we wander out into the middle of the vast expanse of greenery, away from the tress, aligning ourselves with the sun, now lying westward and losing its brilliance. Cross-legged, I take the slice of pizza Dean hands out. He just kneels on the grass, eating. I give up on the food before he does, honestly I don’t enjoy pizza that much. I lean back on my elbows, watching Dean eat. He’s clearly starving; he enjoys his food way too much, adores it like a lady. I open my mouth to tell him he has ketchup on his chin, then I change my mind. My smile, though, doesn’t go unnoticed.

“What?” he asks with a childish visage, swallowing his last mouthful and wiping his hands on the grass.

“Nothing.” I try to reel in the smile, but with his red-streaked chin, his oversized leather jacket, he looks, blond haired version of Dad.

“What the hell are you looking at?” he says it out loud, looking muddled and annoyed.

“Nothing. I was just thinking about an overheard conversation about you in class the other day.”

“Oh, not that again…”

“You have arresting eyes- whatever that means.” I bite back a grin.

A grimace of embarrassment. “Ha ha, you think that’s funny Sam?”

“What else? Oh yeah, your mouth is apparently very kissable.”

He chokes, showering me with Coke. “Sam!”

“I’m not even kidding, the things they say about you.”

He is blushing hard now, peering intently into the Coke.

After a long silence, “Sam, I don’t want to date anybody from school, honestly.”

I'm a little taken aback by his honesty. “I know, I just want you to date somebody whom I know, like Emily. She’s into you, man. And if you two hook up I'd still get to see you. You wouldn’t – you’d be less likely to go away.”

“It’s just that if you meet someone next year at the university-“A faint pain rises in the back of my throat.

He gives me a long steady look. “Sam, you know that I’m not leaving this town, I’m not leaving our family, I’m not leaving you.”

I force a smile and look down. But one day we’ll leave each other to forge our own families. Because that’s the way how the world works. Dean and I can never be together all the time, he’s my protector but I have to face the reality that someday I will have kids to look after, I will be their protector then. 

“And hey, with grades like this, I don’t think I can get into a community college even.” Dean says cheerfully. “Or if I can ever date a girl for that matter.”

I blast off laughing. “Are you kidding me? Dean all the girls at school want to hook up with you and you’re telling me that you’re gay?”

“Shut your mouth. I’m not gay.”

“That’s a shame. I always thought it would be awesome to have a gay brother.”

Dean laughs. "Now don't you get your hopes low, there’s still Adam.”

“Adam? Yeah, right! He already has got a girlfriend. I saw him doing things with a chick in an empty classroom, I regret it still.”

“Let's hope he doesn't get her pregnant."

"Sam have you ever… you know.” Dean asks with an impish and strangely curious smirk.

“What?! We’re not discussing that okay.” I scream throwing my hands in air, embarrassed I can feel my cheeks turning red.

“Hehe, c’mon Sammy, what? Are you shy with me too?” Dean raises his left brow. 

“I never really…” I hesitate while confessing something so appalling to my big brother.

“It’s fine dude, I'm still untouched."

I look at him in disbelief.

 "I mean I've made out with chicks but never really.. you know. I'm not that kind of douchebag." 

"Sometimes …” I begin, then break off.

“Sometimes…?” Dean prompts gently.

“I wish things were different.” I take a deep breath. “ I wish everything wasn’t so damn hard.”

“I know.” he says quietly. “Me too.”


	4. Chapter 4

**_Dean_ **

As soon as we arrived at the house, I knew something was strange; a piercing ache cloaked around my head. Dad is home today for the first time in many days, I should be glad that he is spending time with us and discerns his priorities after all, but I don’t for some reason. The atmosphere in the kitchen is jarring. Adam, is staring at me, since I came back he has this mischievous smirk on his face which he usually keeps whenever he gets his revenge. We peacefully start eating baked beans and sausage that dad made tonight. Adam complains at first but a look that dad flashes is all it takes for him to behave like a normal kid.

“Dad, Dean had a test today.” Adam says and I knew what was coming next, a dusky, sad tempest. I close my eyes, swear under my breath and clutch the fork firmly until dad’s voice brings me back.

 Busted.

“Oh right, how was it Dean?” A hint of sarcasm in his tone. I lift my head to face him and see Sam sitting beside him terrified and shocked; sweat covering his locks of hair. 

“Dad, at school… I was getting…” Sam tries to cover up for me like he always does but today I don’t think it’ll do me any good.

“I am talking to Dean, so you better keep your mouth shut.” Dad yells at him and the ambiance just gets much sorrier.

“Mr. Walker, your Math teacher called me this afternoon saying you didn’t attend the test. He also said me about you failing in your tests constantly!” His voice ascended making me quiver.

“Then I get another damn call from Mr. Corbis saying you almost killed his son?!” He was no longer shouting, but roaring. I kept my eyes shut trying not to lose it.

“Dad, Jed was bothering me. Dean just tried to save me.” Sam speaks up with a voice so low it is barely audible.

“Then you could have told the principal about it or something, you don't need _his_ help." He says with a calmer tone. He is always like that with Sam, always treating him like a toddler, like he’s the most essential possession of his. He even flaunt Sam’s grades to Mila’s kids. In all, I’m the black ship of the house basically.

“It isn’t his fault, he studied for the test. He…”

"Did he now? Tell me Dean, when was the last time that you scored good grades? Never! You don't even have friends! Hell, I bet you don't even know the name of your classmates. You're not normal Dean. I'm ashamed of you. You disgust me. What were you trying to prove beating up that kid like that huh? That you're not a wuss like you seem to be!”

“I didn’t do it on purpose okay, he was hurting Sam, I rescued him, that’s my job, right? To clean up the mess and look after my brothers while you’re busy out getting wasted and banging some chick!" I stand up with thrust and bang my hands against the table.

Dad grabs me by my shirt; I smell fresh booze in his breath – in this state he is capable of saying anything, doing anything. 

After Sam screaming and pulling dad off me, I take off from the room and close my bedroom door.

 

**_Sam_ **

Dad has locked himself inside his room, Adam went out to eat something. Dean is in his room; I’m standing here in the middle of our living room trying to think about what just happened. But that will make things even more confusing. I walk up to Dean’s room and knock on the door hoping that he won’t throw a shoe at me. I lean against the doorframe, “Are you alright?”

Dean looks like he’s been crying for days; hands covering his mouth, he nods. I hesitate to go in but then I switch on the overhead light and come in.

“I’m fine if that’s what you’re gonna ask, and I think we should just go to bed and get some sleep, alright?” He says, his voice raw and ragged.

“You don’t look fine Dean.” I close the door behind me and lean against it.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have started it…” he sounds like he’s been shaken. I make him sit beside on the bed.

“Calm down, you had every right to lose your temper. What dad did today was inexcusable. But listen to me… “ I position myself in front of him. “Dean, listen. That stuff he said was just his way of lashing out. You revealed his drinking problem and he just can’t deal with the truth.” 

“He meant it, he meant every word.” He tries to hide his tears. “And he’s right Sam. I’m not normal. There’s something wrong with me…”

“Dean, stop for a minute. Look at me.”

I grab him by his arm and hold him still. I can feel him trembling beneath my touch.

“it’s alright. Everything’s gonna be alright. Don’t listen to him. he’s just a bitter old man who never grew up. But he’s not ashamed of you. No one is ashamed of you. We're all proud of you, never forget that.”

He drops his head in defeat. I can feel the clenched muscles in his shoulders beneath my fingers. I give him a small, desperate shake. “Adam may be your standard screwed-up teenager but we’re all in this together – all those years since mom died – since dad’s problem started. We haven’t been dumped into some orphan house and it’s all thanks to you.”

There is a long silence. All I can see is the top of Dean’s head. He leans towards me slightly. I reach up and put my arms around him and hold him tight. I lower my voice and whisper. “You’re not just my brother, you’re my best friend.”

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

  ** _Sam_**

I open my eyes to an unfamiliar ceiling. My head feels fuzzy with sleep, and it isn’t until I find myself blinking over at AC/DC and Metallica posters, a leather jacket hung on the hanger, that I remember where I am. A slight weight on my chest prompts me to look down and with a start I see an arm slung over my ribcage. Dean is fast asleep by my side, stretched out on his front, pressed up against the wall, his arm draped over me.

My mind flashes back to the previous night and I remember the fight, remember coming up and finding him in a really bad way, the shock of seeing him on the verge of tears, the feeling of horror as he broke down and sobbed – the first time since mom died. That night, once he thought I was asleep, he broke down – softly sobbing in his pillow in the bunk above mine. And now here we are, five years on, and so much has changed, and yet so little.

There is a loud voice coming from the adjacent room, Adam is listening to rock music. Dean’s arm contracts and he opens his eyes with a start. For a long moment he just stares at me, emerald irises flecked with yellow, his face is still. Then his expression begins to change.

“What the – what the hell is going on?”

I smile at the blurriness of his speech. “Dude nothing. I’m stuck.”

He glances down at his arm, still slung across my chest, and retracts it quickly, struggling to sit up.

“Why are you – Why are you in my bedroom Sam?” He looks unsettled and a slightly panicked.

“We were talking late last night, remember?” I don’t want to mention the fight or its aftermath. “I guess we both just crashed out.” I stand up ready to leave the room. “Dean, relax I’m not gonna crash into your bed again and I would’ve left if it wasn’t for you half crushing me.”

He releases his breath with a ghost of sneer. “Whatever dude, today’s Saturday right?”

“Yeah, and don’t worry I’m getting rid of them all.” I say him as he goes in for a shower. “Yeah alright, and Sam – I really can’t. I don’t think I’m gonna be up for the whole family meal thing today.” He pulls an apologetic face.

“I’m gonna do it, we don’t want your pasta no more.” I try to make him laugh and he does but it fades away quickly.

Dad had decided earlier this week that he’d take us all for a family day out and I hope that he still is plunged on it. So I talk Adam into it and he just charges on dad to take us out. Dad repelling the plan at first gives in after all. I tell them that I’d skip it of course saying I have tests this week and dad serenely accepts it. Adam gives me a suspicious look but he’s too excited to make any remark on it. Dad asks about Dean though and I tell him that he is not doing well so he won’t be making dinner.

When the front door finally slams and the excited voice of Adam fade down the street, I heave a sigh of relief and glance at the kitchen clock. How many hours do we have until Adam realizes he needs booze or dad understands that he can’t waste any more money on bonbons? Factoring the time, we can expect three hours – four, if we’re lucky. It feels luxurious just to be sitting here in the silent kitchen. I close my eyes and rest my head on my folded arm and fall asleep until I can start studying.

**_Dean_ **

Sam has ensconced himself in the front room, lever arch files, textbooks and copious notes spread out over the coffee table and carpet around him he sits on the floor against the edge of the couch, one leg stretched out beneath the table, the drawn up to prop open a bulky book.

“Thanks.” Sliding the textbook off his lap, he takes the mug from me. He leans back against the couch, blowing on his coffee as I sit down on the carpet against the opposite wall, with one single book.

“I’ve never seen anyone sleep with their head hanging off the back of a wooden chair before – you were basically drooling. Wet dreams Sam?” I mock him.

“Quit it Dean.” He says with a frustrating look.

“So tell me – how the hell did you get rid of the whole of them?”

He tells me about his suggestion that he barraged Adam with. I ask him about dad then.

“Dean, he’s fine don’t think about that now. How’s your revision going?”

“I don’t understand this stuff. And if Mr. Walker have understood it, I wouldn’t have had to fail the test.”

“Yeah, Dean I think it’s time for you to know what’s a library.” Sam says with that sarcastic tone he uses only with me, and buries himself in the textbook again. I know that I’ll score average grades, honestly I don’t bother about my subjects – unlike Sam I’m just sticking to subjects I find the easiest. My little brother, on the other hand, has decided, for reasons unknown; to take on his two most challenging subjects, advance math and physics, as well as English and history, the two big essay ones. I attend general math and English classes. But Sam, he’s a natural academic and wants to attend Stanford after high school. What a nerd.

Suddenly bored, I stretch on my stomach and pull one of Sam’s files off the coffee table, he’s too busy to notice it. Leafing through it, I glance jealously at the pages and pages of essays, consistently accompanied by nothing but ticks and exclamations of praise. Nothing but As and A stars – I wonder if I could get away with passing off some of Sam’s work as my own. They’d think I transformed into a whiz kid overnight.

A recent piece of creative writing makes me pause, an essay, written less than a week ago, as the date states. But I realize it’s more of a personal piece of writing and he hasn’t submitted it. i start reading it when Sam finally realizes that I have his files.

“Hey Dean...? ” He says calmly in a voice used for a five-year old kid but I can sense that he’s afraid, way too afraid. “... Can you keep that paper back in the file?”

“No. I’m gonna read it.” I say him and start reading it out loud. “A tiny flake of ice…”

“Dean, don’t you dare!” Sam yells and gets up with a thrust that jiggles the coffee table. I stand up in defense and get ready to run away.

“…flying, falling…” Sam gets on me and tries to pull the paper from my hand but I jerk away every time he tries to grab it.

I start running all over the living room, leaping above the couch, almost breaking our good-for-nothing TV. He pushes me over, making us fall on the floor.

“Dean, give it to me.” Sam screams and I stretch my hand away from his hand. His whole body is precisely over me, man gets too much from green food. He starts shuddering aggressively; I realize my left leg is wedged between his legs.

“Get off me – “ I say him as I feel something very stout against Sam’s groin. I decide to ignore the fact that my leg touched his… Suddenly, I find myself filled with a mixture of excitement and ecstasy so strong that I don’t want the moment to ever end… And then, out of nowhere, I am aware of another sensation – a tingling surge across my whole body, a familiar pressure against my crotch.

Sam rolls over onto me, finally grasping the paper as I let my hand loose.

“Get off me – NOW!” I shout frustratingly feeling petrified a bit.

“Not until you promise you’d never touch my files again.” Sam says facing me, staring at me; he’s draped with sweat and I sense a bulge rising against me. Sam’s mien changes from being bouncy to extremely dreadful, he realizes what transpired to me. I abruptly get up and stride over away from him.

“They’re gonna be back any minute now. I better - shut myself in the room and revise.” I tell him by a way of explanation, my voice rushed and ragged.


	6. Chapter 6

  _Dean_

I dash upstairs, trying to make as little noise as possible. I lock myself in the bathroom and lean against the door as if to reinforce it. I pull off all my clothes, almost tearing at them in my haste, and, careful not to look down at myself, step under an icy shower, heaving with shock. The water is so cold it hurts, but I don’t care: it’s a relief. I have to stop this… this – this madness. After just standing there for a while, eyes tightly closed, I start to go numb and my nerve endings dampen, erasing all signs of my earlier arousal. It stills the vying thoughts, relieves the pressure of the insanity that has begun crushing my mind. I lean forward against the wall, letting the frigid water lash my body, until all I can do is shiver violently. I don’t want to think – so long as I don’t think or feel, I will be fine and everything will return to normal. Seated in my bedroom desk in a clean T-shirt and boxers, wet hair sending cold rivulets down the back of my neck, I start solving math problems. I am dimly aware of the others returning, of their raised voices in the living room, of the clatter of the plates from the kitchen beneath me. I concentrate on tuning it all out. When Adam comes in to say they ordered pizza, I tell him I’m not hungry: I must finish this chapter by tonight; I have no time to stop and think. All I can do is work or I will go crazy. I have wasted my entire school life fooling around I need to take things seriously now. I need to get good grades so that I can get into some college miles away from here. I must concentrate on this until it’s so late all I can so is collapse into bed, and then it will be morning and none of this will have happened. Everything will be back to normal – but what am I on about? Everything is normal! I just forgot, for one fucking second, that Sam was my brother.

For the rest of the weekend I keep myself closeted in my room, buried in schoolwork or listening to music, and leave Sam in charge. When he came in my room yesterday to say goodnight, informing me he left my dinner in the fridge, I couldn’t even turn to look at him. This morning I completely ignored Adam and snapped at Sam when he asked me for the third time what was wrong.

… What kind of monster am I turning into? I am so disgusted with myself I want to crawl out of my own skin. My mind keeps pulling me back to that afternoon. Sam, his face, his touch, that feeling of his body pressed against mine. I keep telling myself these things happen; I’m sure they are not all that uncommon. After all, I’m a frigging seventeen-year old guy – anything can set us off; just because it happened while Sam was on me doesn’t mean a thing. But the words do little to reassure me. I’m desperate to escape myself because the truth is that the feeling is still there – perhaps it always has been – and just now I came to know about it, I am terrified that how much ever I may want to, I will never be able to turn things back.

No, that’s sick. I am not clear about my sexuality but this is just some fucked up shit. My problem is that I need someone to focus my attention on, some object to desire, someone to fantasize about. I look around the class but there is no one. Attractive girls and guys – yes. A person that I care about – no. That person can’t be just a face, a body; there has to be more than that, some kind of connection. And I can’t connect; I don’t want to connect, with anyone.

At night, after my mind shuts down from information overload, I rearrange kitchen drawers and cupboards. I am either entertaining myself with music or video games or tidying or cooking or studying. I comb through revision notes late into the night, until there is nothing else to do but collapse on my bed and fall asleep to a short, deep and dreamless sleep. Sam says how I am gonna beat him in grades with my boundless energy but I feel numb, completely exhausted from trying to keep myself busy all the fucking time. From now on I will just do and not think. I just have to suck it all up and push it in.

Back to school, Sam is busy with coursework. If he notices a difference in my behavior towards him, he doesn’t mention it. Maybe he too feels uncomfortable about that afternoon. Maybe he too realizes that there needs to be more distance between us. We only talk about the everyday things; the school run, the weekly shop, keeping Dad sober for parents’ meeting, weekend activities, figuring out how to stop the godforsaken fridge leaking. We are never alone together. Dad is increasingly absent from family life, the pressure of balancing schoolwork and housework literally leave me with no time to think. Things are getting better – I’m starting to behave less like the monster that possessed me that afternoon – until late one night there is a knock on my bedroom door.

The sound is like bomb exploding in an open field.

“What?” I am extremely edgy from the caffeine running in my system. My daily coffee intakes have reached new heights, the only way to keep me alive and moving through days and late into sleepless nights. There is no reply but I hear the door open and close behind me. I turn from my desk, he is wearing that grey shirt and a black boxer brief which is painfully short for his long frame. Why is he walking around in that thing? Why are those bangs so damn adorable? Why does he have those awfully cute irresistible puppy eyes? Why does his presence fill me with such unease, twisting my insides, tensing every muscle in my body, setting my pulse drumming?

“Hey”, he says. The sound of his voice pains me. With that single word he manages to show tenderness and concern. With just one word he conveys so much, his voice calling to me from outside a nightmare. I try to swallow, my throat dry, a bitter taste in my mouth. “Hey.”

“Am I disturbing you?”

I want to tell him he is. I want to ask him to leave. I want his sweaty but delicate and sweet smell vanish from this room. But when I don’t reply, he sits down on the end of my bed, inches away from me, one bare foot tucked beneath him, leaning forward. “History?” he asks, glancing down at my piles of paper.

“Yeah.” I return my gaze to the textbook.

“Hey-“He reaches out for me, making me flinch. His hand misses mine as I jerk away.

“Tell me” he says simply, his words piercing in my ear. I am breathing fast now. He can’t do this to me. I try to stare out the window, but I see my own reflection, this small room, Sam’s soft innocent face by my side.

“Something’s happened, hasn’t it?”

I push my chair away from him and shake my head. “I’m just tired.” My own voice sounds alien to my ears.

“Yeah, I’ve noticed,” Sam continues. “But why the hell are you pushing yourself so hard Dean? You’ll get into college, believe me, don’t stress yourself too much.”

“I’ve got a hell lotta work to do.”

Silence tenses up the air. I know that he won’t get off that easily, he is the stubborn one, always have been. “What happened, Dean? This is so unlike you; Books and you? Y’all are like the mortal enemies of each other. Did something happen at school?”

I can’t tell you. I can’t tell you, of all people. Throughout my entire life you were the one person I could turn to. The one person I could always count on. And now I’ve lost you, I’ve lost everything.

“C’mon on man tell me.”

I bite down on my lip until I recognize the metallic taste of blood. Sam notices and his questions stop.

“Dean, say something. You’re scaring me. I can’t see you like this.” He reaches for my hand I fail to jerk away.

“Stop it! Just go to your fucking room and leave me alone goddammit!” my voice seems to echo the room; I can’t even register what I’m saying. Sam pushes my chair and gets up fast and slams the door shut loud.

 

 

 

_Sam_

“I gotta say, Nicole has the hots for you man, you have to ask her out.” I drop my bag in the floor beside Dylan but I can’t concentrate on what he’s saying my head still echoing from Adam’s yells for asking for more money.

“Listen Nicole was talking to Emily –“ 

I force myself to open my eyes and cut him off. “Dylan, I don’t wanna get kicked out of class.” Mr. Macintyre stops screeching his pen against the whiteboard for a moment to turn and give us a long-suffering look. “Dylan, for once could you at least pretend to pay attention?”

“No.” And everyone burst out laughing. Mr. Macintyre shakes his head, silences the class and continues writing.

“Dude, listen Emily asked me to talk you into asking Nicole out!”

I gaze at him numbly.

“This is huge. Everyone’s been after her since she broke up with Matt. And she went and picked your scrawny ass!”

“I’m so flattered.”

Dylan throws back his head.

“Don’t act like a bitch Sam. What’s the matter with you these days? You were the one saying that if you’d ever date anyone it’d be Nicole.”

I heave a sigh. “Yeah, along with her fake hair extensions.”

“And who the fuck cares? C’mon dude this is the Nicole we’re talking about, if I wasn’t stuck with Emily I would ask her out.”

“Wait, since when you and Emily started dating?” I ask him trying to get to the other topic.

“Since she decided to stop jacking off to Dean’s photos.”

“You’re a jerk.”

“No, you’re a jerk if you won’t take Nicole out, Emily won’t talk to me if you won’t. At least do it for a friend.”

I drag myself through the rest of the day. Dylan doesn’t bother me much when I told him that I’d think about it. A cold slab of despair presses down my chest, making it difficult for to catch my breath. My eyes ache with suppressed tears. Dylan gets worried and asks me if I need a doctor or school nurse. I shook him off saying it’s just lack of sleep. What could a doctor or the school nurse do for me? I wonder. A pill to make the loneliness disappear? A tablet that would get Dean to talk with me again? Or perhaps a capsule to turn back time, rewinding the days so I could get away from Dean when he told me get off him that afternoon. Is he angry with me because he thinks I did it on purpose? I didn’t mean to grab him and fall on him – it just happened. My thigh rubbing against the inside of his was just an accident. I never meant any of it to happen. I had no idea that something like being on top of a guy could get him aroused. I mock him constantly that he’s gay but I wouldn’t do things like this deliberately just to fuck with his sexuality. But when I felt it, pressing against my hip, when I suddenly realized what it was, I felt this crazy head-rush. I didn’t want to get off him. I didn’t get up.

I can’t bear to think I might have lost our closeness, our friendship, our trust. He was always so much more than just a brother. He is my soulmate, my fresh air, the reason I look forward to getting up every morning. I always knew I loved him more than anyone else in the world – and not just in a brotherly way, the way I feel about Adam. Yet somehow it never crossed my mind there could be a whole step beyond…

What am I doing? This is ridiculous, too stupid to even think about. We’re not like that. We’re not sick. We’re just two brothers who also happen to be best friends. That’s the way it’s always been between us. I can’t lose that or I will not survive this. 

By the end of the day Dylan is pestering me about Nicole again. He seems to think I’m depressed and that having a girlfriend – especially one of the hottest girls in school – will help me snap out of my funk. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I need a distraction. And what better way to show Dean that what happened that day was just an accident, a bit of fun? If I have a girlfriend then he’ll realize that none of the stuff meant anything. That he and I are very straight, or at least I am. And Nicole is very cute; long dark blonde hair, greenish eyes – almost like Dean’s. Kinda his female equivalent.

So I ask Emily to tell Nicole to meet me after school and I ask her out. But when I approached her, her eyes color didn’t match with Dean’s at all; they were green but muddy. And her hair was too blonde with some pointless hair extensions. What was I thinking, she was nowhere near Dean. That’s because Dean is your big brother you moron. I need this date to go well.

That evening when I sat at the kitchen table doing my homework.

“Who was that hot chick you were talking to?” Adam asked.

“A friend…” I replied without looking at him.

“Yeah, who’d go out with a dumbass like you anyways?” 

“I asked her out and she said yes okay. Now, is there anything else you wanna know?”

“No, I hope you get married and have babies.” He said and went up to his room. 

After dinner, I help Dean clear the table, I remind Adam it’s his turn to do the washing-up and he brings up Nicole somehow.

“Nicole Marco? You’re going out with Nicole? That’s… that’s just amazing.” Dean says plainly. He knows Nicole; her elder sister, Shailene and Dean had a thing going ages ago, when he was… when we were normal.

“Yeah.” I force myself to meet his look of astonishment over the top of Adam’s head.

“I – I asked her out on Friday. Is that – can – is that alright?” I don’t know why I’m suddenly finding it so hard to speak.

“Uh-oh, you should have asked permission first!” Adam cries. “You’re gonna have to stick to the curfew, remember. Tell you what, I’ll give you my last condom – “

“Okay Adam, that’s enough!” I shout, slamming a plate down on the counter. “Go to your room and do your schoolwork.” I’m losing it now.

“Fine, forgive me for breathing!” Adam throws the washing-up brush into the sink with a splash and stalks out of the room.

Dean hasn’t moved from his position by the window. “So Nicole huh, big score baby boy.”

I keep my head down, scrubbing the plates. “Yeah, it’s just a date though. I don’t even..”

“Do you – do you like her?” Dean steps towards me but changes his mind and moves back.

Why do you bother? What’s with the third degree? I’m going out on a date in the first place because Dean thinks I tried to… I feel the heat rush my face and suddenly I’m angry.

I stop scrubbing and force my eyes to meet his. “Yes Dean, as a matter of fact I do, okay?”

 


End file.
